Chapter 42: Lonely

Francesca seemed to be getting better at controlling her bullying nature by the time she entered high school. A few weeks into the counseling sessions, she no longer harassed Jimmy. She started spending more time at the library writing stories. She shared some of her stories with me and even though they were a little on the dark side, that was fine with me because I was just glad that she was doing something positive.

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Mom thinks I'm writing stories, when what I'm really doing is chatting with my dad. I found his name on my birth certificate and wanted to get to know him. He sounds like a cool guy with an exciting job. Of course, I didn't completely lie to Mom, I do like writing stories and I am working on a murder novel, some of which I've printed off and let her read. I want to go and meet Dad in person, but I know Mom will never go for it. That's why I've been keeping our correspondence to just chatting online.

It's not that I don't like Mom, I do. It's just, she's not like me, but I like that she has loose morals. I hate all those goody-two shoes at school, like that berryhole Jimmy. I would tell Mom about Dad except he tried to kill her best friend, and I don't want to hurt her again by mentioning him. I just want to know my dad, even if he's not society's idea of good. I feel like he'd understand me since I'm not society's idea of good either.

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Fishing. I hadn't gone fishing in a long time. I still loved to do it, but between all the vampires, genies, RBI agents, school principals, and kids, I didn't feel like I had any free time until today. I woke up when everyone was asleep and headed out to my new favorite spot.

It was a small, secluded lake surrounded by willow trees and a low level of fog. There was a wooden bridge that looked like it would be a romantic spot for a make out session. The fog made it mysterious and a little scary at the same time. Even though it looked lonely, I was somehow comfortable whenever I was here. It was almost like the place was just as lonely as me, so I felt like it understood me. I could be alone, just me and my thoughts.. Hmm. How I wished I had someone special to take here. At that moment I caught my second red herring of the morning.

After catching two more fish, I decided I had enough to sell for a few bucks. I kept the rainbow trout in my fridge because I felt it would be the tastiest, and I wanted to make a meal with it. Later that day, I went out to the grocery store. On my way out, a bunch of people kept heckling me, booing me and calling out. Even Emerald heckled me. Seriously are they still that obsessed that I slept with that TV star? It's been months already. He's probably slept with plenty of other women by now. Get over it. I was just about ready to go home and curl into a ball when someone tapped me on the shoulder. Great, now what?

"Hi Mom! It's been a while."

My nerves were calmed when I turned around and saw Barium, who unlike everyone else, was excited to see me.

"Yes, it has. How are you?"

"I got a job as a sketch artist-"

I looked at Barium, suddenly saddened by everything that had transpired after he moved out and remembering how great he was when he was growing up. I was disappointed in myself that I hadn't kept in better touch with him. He was still as intuitive as ever, though, because he stopped talking and asked me a question.

"Mom. You look sad. What's the matter?"

"I wish I'd kept in touch with you. I'm sorry. I miss you, Barium."

Barium looked at me with the same understanding eyes that I was so grateful for. He put his arm around me and hugged me.

"Aww, Mom. Let's go get coffee. We can talk."

We decided on the Colisi Bistro for some hang out time. He drove us in his big boat of a car. When we got there, I spilled everything that had been going on. He took all the information in without judgment, even the weird parts like the vampires and genies I had encountered.

He told me that he had gotten a job as a sketch artist for the Ravenview Police Department, and that Cairo was his roommate. I told him I was pregnant again, and he was excited for me. Hours had passed and I didn't want the night to end, so Barium suggested we catch a late movie.

After the movie, I was getting sleepy, so we called it it a night. I had tears in my eyes when I felt Barium give me a tight hug.

"Mom, don't cry. Everything will be okay. Remember to call every once in a while. I'll do the same."

"Thank you for tonight, Barium."

"I love you Mom."

"Love you too."

I sat in my backyard on the patio furniture, staring at my table sized tiki torch. I watched the flame as it flickered back and forth, some of it orange, other parts of it yellow, white, and occasionally, blue. It was mesmerizing me. I was aware in the back of my mind that it was 1:30 in the morning, but I didn't care. I didn't want to go to bed even though I was exhausted and I was starting to feel the familiar aches and pains in my lower back. I didn't want to be reminded of how alone I was. I liked my big bed, but I was tired of the other side of it being empty.

I rolled my eyes and threw my hands up in the air. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to. Being this lonely sucks a lot. Ugh. I continued to stare at the flame from the tiki torch, annoyed at everything in my life. I was having another breakdown. My head filled with memories of Austin and his warm breath on my skin, how soft his touch was, how good his tongue felt in my mouth and in other places, and how much I loved him. If I was ever going to see him again, I needed to keep going. The only problem was I didn't know how to anymore.

I got up, still feeling frustrated as all hell, and went inside to watch some television. Mmm-mm. One of the movies starring my favorite actor was on, which brought a smile to my face. He was so handsome. I fantasized doing all sorts of naughty things to him. In my dreams, he was my man. I watched his lips move as he spoke his lines and imagined what it would be like to kiss him, most definitely French kiss him. His voice was deep and sensual. I'd touch him in all the appropriate spots to turn him on and we'd go all night pleasuring each other. Then we'd snuggle together forever. Aah, fantasies are so nice.

The end credits roll and I'm still happily engrossed in my fantasy. This is the perfect time to go to bed, Sicily. My thoughts are right and I head to the bedroom. My head hits the pillow and I have very sweet dreams.